She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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