There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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