You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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