I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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