I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
