Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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