just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
