The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
