I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
