: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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