I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
