I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
