apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I have surprise drugs for everyone
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
