I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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