We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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