went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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