If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
