I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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