I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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