they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
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If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
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This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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