she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
