sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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