I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
