she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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