he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
