I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
