Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
