If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
