does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
