I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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