M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
