Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
