The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
