Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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