masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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