Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
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I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
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debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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