After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
