you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
