so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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