Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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