So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
