new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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