I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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