i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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