I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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