you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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