well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
