wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
It's rum buckets o'clock
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
