I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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