hell yes lets make some ravioli
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
