a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
