Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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