We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
