its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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