guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
