gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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