All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
