Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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